~~~As Always~~~

This is in continuation to this story :

http://www.jasmit-arora.blogspot.in/2012/07/jasbir-and-shruti-have-been-living.html

Okay.. almost 2 yrs have passed.. I met this girl the next day.. I will say it took me so much time to write about her because I was too much occupied with her thoughts.. just like I am right now.. too late I know.. almost 5:00 AM.. but .. kya karein..?

I met her at Mc D. I was late.. when I sleep late.. I wake up late.. I rushed towards Mc D. She was there.. I could see from the glass door.. she was looking at her watch.. slowly putting her strands of hair behind her ears.. she slowly turned towards the door and found me standing outside blankly staring at her and observing her.. A smile erupted on her face.. but she did well to hide it and made a fake angry face.

I stepped inside. said "Hi." she said.. "I am leaving".. and I was like.. "What?? Why.?? Sorry..!! please..!!".. she smiled. I started breathing again.

then I kept listening to her.. i watched how her hands moved.. and then how she blinked her eyes.. how her fingers moved and played with her hair.. and then i heard her screaming.."hello.. mister.. your name..?" I dont know how many times she might have actually asked this question before I actually listened to her.. I said "Jasmit. Whats yours..?" 

Then I was again drinking her words. I saw.. she wore red nail polish. A blue shirt.. blue ear rings.. and the best smile. Her eyes.. deep brown.. and kohl all around them. Her dusky complexion made me tell her "you are very beautiful..".

she was probably saying something when I interrupted her with this blatant statement of mine.. she was like.. where did this come from.. I continued.. "I woke up late.. otherwise I planned to come with a ring.."

"Ring..?? OMG.. why..??"

"Why..?? Why should I bring a ring..??"

"Dont tell me you have actually brought the ring.."

"No.. I planned.. but I haven't.."

"Good you didn't.."

"Why..?"

"It would have been very difficult to say No.."

"Why would you say No..?"

"Chalo.. got to go.. already late"

I came with her to the auto stand.. found an auto.. and then as she said her last bye.. i motioned if we can hug she said.. "No". 

Okay.. thats okay.. ya thats okay.. 

I waved her good bye. I came back. I didn't know what to do. Its almost 2 years am still trying to figure out the hows, the whys. Anyway.. She says I am "Off Track" .. and I feel what happened .. happened as always..

P.S. : I feel.. whatever happened wasn't good..

~~~Over a cup of Tea~~~

Friday Night.. came from office, went inside my blanket and started my laptop.. thinking lets do something.. but as always doing something comes after checking out FB. Few notifications.. one of them today was a video shared by my brother with my name tagged and a smiley.

The video was a light and music show.. but what made me smile was the music. The music from a great pianist Yanni.

i saw the whole video after it paused for numerous buffer sessions and then liked it. I wanted to listen more of Yanni.. so i searched my laptop if I had other instrumentals.. but I couldnt find any.. so I searched through all the dvds of engineering time.. and then... that precious folder.. the music.

As it started playing.. i thought.. the companion i could have at this hour is a nice cup of hot tea.. with music in background and weird emotions in my heart.. i started preparing a cup of tea. I sat on the bed.. again inside the blanket.. eyes heavy.. a stern face ( i can imagine how i look like when i am feeling lost).

so i decided to relax.. closed my eyes.. and gave direction to my hands so that I could sip tea at regular intervals. I felt light. I had a long chat with someone today. the person is a person with a heart of diamond. i got to know how much issues a person has to face.. amount of struggle.. just to have 30% of their life spent the way they want.

Starting from parents.. we are asked to fulfill expectations.. everywhere.. everytime. After all.. we are their product. We act like an advertising board or sometimes like a newspaper for them. sometimes we are the trophies.. and sometimes we are a punishment. Listening to that person.. i could make out the pain.. troubles.. my heart cried for such behaviour.. Humans going so selfish.. rational thinking going for a toss.. 

Prann jaaye par shaan na jaaye.. Parents' expectations still stand firm. At the age of six.. be number 1 in class.. at age of 10.. be number one in class.. in class 10.. be number one in class.. after 12.. IIT.. then job.. at 27 .. marriage.. and 30.. kids.. then this and that.. with only one aim : we are thinking for you only. We are not your enemies. We want to see you happy living on our lines. 

Relatives : be in a job. We will brag about you. Not in a job? We dont know you and we hate your parents.

Friends.. at 4 PM .. cricket.. holiday.. at 8 AM : cricket. These days.. whatsapp. everyday. anytime.

Loved ones : no idea.

Then I kept on thinking as the third track mellowed my mind.. that why it has become so difficult to be in a job. Is it only me or is everyone going through the same set of emotions that I am undergoing these days.. I feel that each minute I spent in office.. I wasted it. I could have done a lot more meaningful with that one minute. Something larger with respect to my life. Adding respect to my life. Making it worth living. I feel that the purpose of life is far greater than surviving in this world. If we are in a comfortable position.. we should atleast try to make it comfortable for others too. 

Be it a son/daughter/father/mother/Grandfather/Grandmother/brother/sister/loved ones/friends/close ones/other/anyone.

Yes we are knit to each other with relations.. but we are mortals.. with separate aspirations. Why to impose one's thought over another person..? why to snatch that feeling of success that comes when you achieve it on your own.. and not when you are constantly guided and interrupted by someone else..? 

I am at crossroads.. where I cant decided about anything.. I am not sure of career.. I am not sure of any relationships.. I am not sure if what I am doing will keep me happy.. I am not sure if what I will do will keep the people happy whom I want to see live happily.. and most of all.. if I dont succeed in my life.. will I snatch a moment of happiness from their lives..? Do they deserve this..? I dont know.

ahh.. the songs are playing with my soul and I dont feel I am doing any justice by not paying my attention to it... Friday.. the best day of the week for some.. but for me.. just another night before next day's work.. 

yet I wonder.. I wrote so much.. just over a cup of tea.. :) my companion.     

~~~~ Noise ~~~

I came back from office.. around an hour back.. but I can still hear the loud horns.. the traffic guzzling through me.. I still have the sight of that excel sheet that I loathe.. best part is .. I am still breathing.

Years back when I was craving for technological stuffs.. I never knew I would hate my phone so much that I will throw it when it will ring when I would be sleeping... never did i think that I would start hating laptops after spending almost half a day with them..

Now .. I am listening to radio.. more ads than songs.. more noise than songs.. more screams than songs.. It was the year 2002 to 2004.. when I used to love each song I heard on television.. recorded some very good ones after saving some pocket-money that my Dadaji used to give to me... listening to songs and thinking about a single face.. stuck with the same page of R.D.Sharma and same cassette for 3 nights.. and that face for may be 300 lives..

Today while I was coming back .. it was raining.. and needless to say.. i travelled back while moving ahead.. i had a smile on my face.. my bike slowed to 20 KMPH.. my imaginations started framing the picture I forgot long time back .. but then.. this time the face was different.. i opened my eyes.. stopped my bike..put a hand on my chest and checked if I am alive.. the memories had taken a different face .. I came back home..

Someone insisted that I should write.. well.. seriously I never felt like writing after something happened last year.. but still.. I thought .. lets write.. so now I am having tea.. some snacks.. radio on the side.. doors opened.. cold breeze.. a heavy heart and moving fingers.. Loneliness sitting beside me staring at my laptop screen.. and then looking at me .. laughing and then merrying around the whole house.. I ignored her.. so she is sitting right in front of me now.. I tell her.. I will write.. she laughs.. then I tell her.. I will paint.. I will do photography.. she laughs again.. but then.. I cheat her.. and I sleep.. and sleeps ride beside me.. wakes up with me.. and be my shadow for the whole day.

I miss my Dadaji.. i could not cry.. but then.. I miss everyone.. I miss the peace I used to feel.. with friends.. with family.. with myself.. today when I dont even like to see myself... I have a person who says look upto life.. its beautiful.. just like her and we should be thankful to God.. and then there is another person who has given me strength to go for what I have built those castles of dreams.. pushes me to take another step towards what I want I wanted to do.. couldn't thank her enough too..

I miss my "Bullet".. i miss the streets of Kolkata.. miss the parameter of our college.. miss the ring road of Rourkela.. I feel that ache in my heart.. I dont feel love anymore.. being such a pessimistic person.. may be realization of happiness would come very late to me.. but then.. i fear the late could be too late.. there is no end to all this.. may be i should just concentrate on the current song.. and sleep... a cheerful blog.. next time.. pakka.. promise..

".. haii shor kare.. kitna bore kare.. bewajaah baaton pe.. aewaiin gaur kare.. .....
...........................................to...............baccha hai ji.."