Being Away..

so many days gone by, and i have been living only by thinking. neither speaking nor writing. m going through a phase where none of my life's decisions are in my hands.

Love, work, friends.. my life is divided evenly between all these. i have started loving a girl ( yes again.. it happens wid me..) and she is the sole decision maker of this relationship. i have asked her to correct my smile but she said " achhi smile ho gayi to tu kisi aur ko pakad lega.. fer mera kya hoga..? " though i knew it was pure humor from her side, but how much i wished that the way she said in fun that she wanted to be close to me could have been true and the ultimate truth of my life.

work that i do is not that i want to be my job. it frustrates me most of the times.

Friends .. they came and now going. They hv been the sweetest part of my life for so many days and now leaving just wid a smile on their face and a hint of tear in their eyes. bidding goodbyes is not a sport that i do regularly. it shakes my soul everytime.

its been very regular wid my life as when i thought someone to be a close friend of mine, he always moved away.

school, college and now .. i made very few frnds wid whom i cud talk in early mornings when i wake up or late at nights just before i sleep. Friends whom i could visit at any hour of the day.

presently amit is reading newspaper at my side and anuroop is looking at the edited pics ( thats obvsly done by amit ) of our hangout done last weekend. we are all ready to jive in this weekend too as my brother is here for 2 days.

and as i think and write of everything thats running through my mind, i guess is because of being hopelessly in expecatations of success in all the corners of my life..

.. Love Work Friends ...

Being Myself..

How many times u have thought of someone else and dint do a thing that u always wanted to do..?

some of u might answer.. "always.." as you depend a lot on others for ur decisions and hence do as they say.. may be their experiences are far better than you taking risks.. but what u learned in that course of time then..?

my life is always surrounded by influential people who have a mindset of influencing people.. who want me to follow the paths that they covered.. they know about the stones and pebbles and want me to avoid them as i lead forward..

but how does it helps me anyway..? isnt it like i shud remember the way like they did and then guide other people to the destination without getting hurt..??

does it gives satisfaction..? a feeling of achieving something is always missing. u never reached there on ur own. u r not the winner. u never faced cuts and bruises that time showed.. u never enjoyed ur life then. i know this because i did the same. followed what others said.. been a mice in a rat race of today's world. someone always holding me up by my tail and dropping me forward but then i lost the grace of being a winner.

been months i m trying to do what my heart says.. i have been myself for quite a period now. i am taking my life on my terms. i know how it feels. you fall, you get dropped, you loose but then its all urs..

a moment of success will come in everyone's life.. but make sure it was you who crossed the line by urself.. so that u can always say.." i get here because i was myself.."

Imperfectly different..

Plannings..? dreams..? do they always come out the way u wished them to be..?

since i was 15.. i thought of something else to be than wht i m nw.. i thought of becoming a soldier when i was 12.. then a cricketer when i was 17.. then again a soldier when i turned 20.

today i am an engineer.. and do no work that can actually please my soul. everything that i thought in my life was imperfect. my decisions.. my thoughts of living.. chasing my dreams.. everything associated to my life was termed imperfect. and that had to be done one day.. for the things i did.

i used to draw and paint.. something that no one in my close vicinity used to do. from far.. it looked like a magic.. but when a closer eye examined it.. remarks were.." its not that perfect the way it looked.." "but definitely .. its different.. ".

one day i thought to write something.. a poem or a piece.. it was incomplete but first viewers are your close ones and their views are always in their mind.. "its totally imperfect.. change this.. change that..". i grew from that age.. my words of expressions changed.. the direction of my life changed and so changed the views and the way i wrote.. but people close still say "it has to be more perfect.."

should i be sad..? or happy..? should i smile my way around or just be there in a corner to improve from my imperfection..? its the way i have been doing since years.. to be someone who is imperfect in all the things he do..

there have been many a times when i dearly wished that my work gets appreciated.. but some moves you make in life are definitely not the best. someone perfect is always there in the world to prove your imperfection. sometimes a gentle praise can push a milestone a mile ahead when you want to travel world.

my journey is full of people who have their milestones.. their destination fixed. i m still striving to be someone different.. to be someone great.. to be a known face in the world..

i want to be imperfectly different.. because u r different when u r not the same and with some imperfections behind you.. u always improve..