~~~~ Noise ~~~

I came back from office.. around an hour back.. but I can still hear the loud horns.. the traffic guzzling through me.. I still have the sight of that excel sheet that I loathe.. best part is .. I am still breathing.

Years back when I was craving for technological stuffs.. I never knew I would hate my phone so much that I will throw it when it will ring when I would be sleeping... never did i think that I would start hating laptops after spending almost half a day with them..

Now .. I am listening to radio.. more ads than songs.. more noise than songs.. more screams than songs.. It was the year 2002 to 2004.. when I used to love each song I heard on television.. recorded some very good ones after saving some pocket-money that my Dadaji used to give to me... listening to songs and thinking about a single face.. stuck with the same page of R.D.Sharma and same cassette for 3 nights.. and that face for may be 300 lives..

Today while I was coming back .. it was raining.. and needless to say.. i travelled back while moving ahead.. i had a smile on my face.. my bike slowed to 20 KMPH.. my imaginations started framing the picture I forgot long time back .. but then.. this time the face was different.. i opened my eyes.. stopped my bike..put a hand on my chest and checked if I am alive.. the memories had taken a different face .. I came back home..

Someone insisted that I should write.. well.. seriously I never felt like writing after something happened last year.. but still.. I thought .. lets write.. so now I am having tea.. some snacks.. radio on the side.. doors opened.. cold breeze.. a heavy heart and moving fingers.. Loneliness sitting beside me staring at my laptop screen.. and then looking at me .. laughing and then merrying around the whole house.. I ignored her.. so she is sitting right in front of me now.. I tell her.. I will write.. she laughs.. then I tell her.. I will paint.. I will do photography.. she laughs again.. but then.. I cheat her.. and I sleep.. and sleeps ride beside me.. wakes up with me.. and be my shadow for the whole day.

I miss my Dadaji.. i could not cry.. but then.. I miss everyone.. I miss the peace I used to feel.. with friends.. with family.. with myself.. today when I dont even like to see myself... I have a person who says look upto life.. its beautiful.. just like her and we should be thankful to God.. and then there is another person who has given me strength to go for what I have built those castles of dreams.. pushes me to take another step towards what I want I wanted to do.. couldn't thank her enough too..

I miss my "Bullet".. i miss the streets of Kolkata.. miss the parameter of our college.. miss the ring road of Rourkela.. I feel that ache in my heart.. I dont feel love anymore.. being such a pessimistic person.. may be realization of happiness would come very late to me.. but then.. i fear the late could be too late.. there is no end to all this.. may be i should just concentrate on the current song.. and sleep... a cheerful blog.. next time.. pakka.. promise..

".. haii shor kare.. kitna bore kare.. bewajaah baaton pe.. aewaiin gaur kare.. .....
...........................................to...............baccha hai ji.."

~~~ The Kohl Effect ~~~

Jasbir and Shruti have been living happily ever since he proposed to her.. sometimes it's better to live in fiction than being in real..

I felt that there is no point in stretching stories.. characters are unreal.. story is all made up.. and sadness acts as a gravity which makes people fall for the things going around.

Its around 4:10 in the morning and I sit in my balcony with a glass of orange juice.. I feel the cool breeze flowing through my face.. yes it rained few hours back.. and the moon has spread its magic.. The “Royal Enfield” on my bullet is shining bright and blue.. and the leaves of the deodar trees in my house, give me a disturbed glimpse of big bright moon.

I might pick up my painting brush soon.. as I am not feeling sleepy at all.. its not that I haven’t tried.. but wasn’t successful in my tries.. I rolled on my bed for like thousand times.. almost woke up my brother sleeping next to me.. then went to the kitchen to prepare some tea.. this disturbed my mom.. so I switched off the light there and opened fridge for some juice.. and again .. it became the reason for waking up my Grand mother.. Anyhow.. she wanted to see the live prayers from the Golden Temple.. I could not bear these telecasts.. so I took this laptop and came out in verandah..

Its so peaceful here.. wi-fi is working fine… headphones sound best.. and heart beats fast..!

No.. I am not going into past now.. enough of it.. but I cant help but realize that present is no different from past.. I still don’t have anyone to talk to… someone whose messages I could check every morning I get up.. someone.. whom I could message with “<3” and “:-*” before sleeping .. someone who don’t screams at me.. speaks softly.. holds my hands when we meet.. and look deep into my eyes when we talk with her kohl laden eyes.. deep as abyss.. it always has been this way only… either losing someone.. or missing someone..

Ok.. lately.. I have been thinking of someone.. she has pretty good eyes.. great smile.. good brains and rest is best. But it has always been a war within me when it comes to confess what I feel.. well we met in a very strange way.. I was in a food court having something.. (must be KFC).. and then was thinking to have some more.. so I went back and stood in the queue.. this girl.. she was on the other side… not to mention I was staring at her.. she was dusky.. “:-D”

She looked at me and gave me a confused look.. but hardly she realized that I was more confused than her. She took her order and left.. I also picked my burger and came back to my seat.. there I saw her again.. I think she was with her friends.. and then I turned my chair.. my back facing her.. and I turned my head and tried to look at her from the corner of my eyes.. did that 30-40 times .. and after few minutes when I tried to look at her again.. I found she already left.. I was so chocked that I never realized that I dropped my burger too.. sprang out of the seat and literally started running in the food court.. couldn’t find her.. went to the washroom.. stood there for some 5 minutes.. but could not see her.. and then I saw her going down from the escalators..

I took the stairs.. and caught her in front of my eyes again.. she went to the parking.. I think to see off her friend.. and then she turned back… and screamed.. “Hey you..” .. I ignored her.. she yelled again.. “hey you.. black turban”… I had no choice.. I stopped walking.. turned back and looked at her.. and she said.. “I have been watching your drama since 2 hours..” I said.. “I..I… I… IIIII.. II..I… ahemm… I was just …”.. she said.. “Shut Up..!” “Right now I am in a hurry.. I need to go home.. lets meet tomorrow.. at McD.”..

I looked at her.. dumb .. numb.. she then crossed me.. tapped at my shoulder and left with a smile.. I turned at her slowly.. she looked back at me.. she had deep brown eyes.. pitched rightly between a field oh kohl.. a pretty smile and a heavenly way of waving her hands.. I don’t think I was breathing.. or living.. or whatever…

………………………. Oh.. it seems my Dadaji is up.. he just came to me and asked if I will have tea.. hmmmmmmm… its sunrise again…. I need to get ready.. I need to go and meet that girl today at McD.. I will ask her name.. what she does.. what is her favourite colour.. her hobbies.. her interests.. likes .. dislikes.. and tell her.. “I love you”.. I hope she does not laugh it off..

Painting I will do.. soon..

~~~Burnt to Smokes~~~

and I was sitting with nearly 200 people knowing only 4 of them in a dark hall and my eyes could see a movie being played in front of me.... but watching the memories of past.

scene after scene.. customized on fictitious character turned out real when the cry of heart screamed in songs.. tearing the hearts and eyes being unable to hold the pain of the years that I so wished to delete from my life.

Phase by phase her thoughts seek through the porous walls that I built around my life.. helplessly witnessing her mix with the leftover seconds I thought she left for me to live.. And then more .. some more of her was now my part...

her face came in front of my eyes... each time I saw her was the first time... I wanted to wipe that face of hers for that moment.. but then dint know what to do... that moment.. wanted to scream out her name.. but wasn't able to... the noise of my breaths hovered my voice...

attached with the thin string of the heart.. the dimension of helplessness.. as the knock on the doors that never opened... the noise.. once again... never stopped on my will.. the wind of thoughts pushed me away from you... the brunt of hatred.. burning me to smokes...

the language cryptic to my mind... made me to stare at you... caging to the moment of my life.. with no expectation from life.. to keep you or let you go... and then the beats increase... the sound of the speakers ... I need to beg you from you... and more.. and more time from your life.. the distance has a friction.. which are the flames... a puzzle of life.. you being the solution...

the steps when taken towards you... never tired.. the burst of tears.. witnessing myself to smokes.. P.S. ..... It is still there...