ILP ... (part-1)

well.. long time.!! isn't it..?? was busy. got the joining for TCS.. started preparing for that. a new phase of life was served to me.. and i had all pleasures to accept that. 8th december 2008 was the day when it really had to start. but then.. there are always some foreplays before life show u some real excitement.

reached bhubaneshwar on 6th of december and got a place genesis villa to live. somehow i liked that place.. top floor.. big room and no fan working ;) .. i never needed that too.. cuz in winter.. who cares..?? surprisingly, a frnd of mine whom i never met in real life, but daily on orkut.. called me n asked about my whereabouts.. n even he came to that place n adding to my surprise became my roomie too. i was shocked, but happy too. why happy?? i will tell u that later.. for now.. better remember his name. swakshar kundu..

then came afternoon and we had 2 more people joining us.. one was ravi.. and the other name took me 2 days to save it into my mind.. anuroop.. :).. some arguments. some discussions.. some more people adding up.. like animesh, manish, manoj, vishal.. saurav, abhishek, ganesh... we bonded by the end of the day.. n landed to the historic place called APPOLO VILLA..

soon we dicovered many things of the nearby locality. like AAO FRIENDS beer parlour, tanduurii nights, misky n all... me being local to this place for 4 years.. knew the area quite well, so we all never had such big problems for anything. then we explored TDS n liquid... and days started passing by...

were we FRIENDS..??

Many days gone by.. i was thinking what to write.. because i had mixed feelings.. mixed emotions.. but today.. suddenly a question rose in my heart.. were we only friends..?? was there actually any sort of spark.?? EXPECTATIONS.. as i always say are the root cause of every action. but we are humans.. not some sort of saints who dont expect n lead life selflessly.

yesterday night i was chatting to someone.. and she told me she is dating some one.. the reason she gave was like.. she wanted to give love a try.. to feel.. what is all about.. and i was shocked.. how can any one give love a try..? for me.. "it" just happens..!! Then i thought.. wasn't i also "trying"..??

but.. then i scanned all my 5 years.. what i went through.. what i felt each day.. how i came up in the worst situations.. and standing tall today. i have no doubts about what i felt.. every day when she met me.. when she sat beside me.. when she looked at me.. i repeatedly said her one thing only.. i love you.. though.. it was only in my heart.. but i believed.. language of heart is told by eyes and understood by heart only. i always thought she wud hear what echoes for her when every moment she is wid me.. but that never happened.

i realized.. it was only my expectations.. that gave me all these pains.. she might have taken me as a friend only.. she wud hv never expected me to say such things to her. i was a helping hand for her.. and she cant deny this.. i was once her nicest of friends.. she cant deny this also..

but then.. what about that friendship day..?? what about our first evening..?? what about my first rose that i gave you..? what was that lonely talks that we did..?? what about all those b'day cards with one letter enclosed in it..? what about all those question that you asked me one evening.. that still ring in my ears..??

all were EXPECTATIONS... some form ur side.. and some from my corner.. but questions still reamins the same.. i hope u can answer this some day.. were we FRIENDS..?? only friends..?

words of silence...

well met her today.. 1 hour was indeed there.. but what existed between us were words of silence.. i went to her home wid bimosh.. we are great old pals.. n were alws a good group..

ok.. as i said.. i met her earlier.. when she came at my place.. so todays time i think was most of my frnd's. i had no complaints.. cuz i dint wanted this time to b spent in staring each other wid no conversation... i was happy.. happy to be wid her.. n i dont care what others feel..!! she was continuously saying.. "talko mujhse..(talk wid me)".. "tum log bade gande ho..(u guys are too bad..)" and "main achhi bacchi hun..(i m a gud girl)"..

yes P.S. u are no doubt a gud girl.. the best one i've known.. your poise.. ur gratitude.. u r such a woman.. i know any man wud fall for.. n that's d reason.. i still keep falling..!! had no other way to go.. other than urs.. no one looked beautiful.. after seeing u.. no one i thought i cud die for.. except u.. may be.. for u i m no one.. but for me.. u r d reason.. i breathe.. u r d reason.. i aspire to live.. i think of success.. so that.. 1 day.. 1 day.. i can proudly ask u to b mine...

today was no day to say what i felt.. i hv no ground of my own to stand.. but 1 day.. without expecting anything.. i will ask u to b mine.. i loved u every second of my life.. i m very much sure.. u read my eyes today.. n still showed ur cold reactions.. but one day.. the sun will brightly enter into ur life.. n wipe all the coldness between me n u.. that warmth will rejuvenate between us..

i was silent today.. but the words u heard in that silence of mine.. are true..

i will always love u.. n never forget the moments we spent together...