were we FRIENDS..??

Many days gone by.. i was thinking what to write.. because i had mixed feelings.. mixed emotions.. but today.. suddenly a question rose in my heart.. were we only friends..?? was there actually any sort of spark.?? EXPECTATIONS.. as i always say are the root cause of every action. but we are humans.. not some sort of saints who dont expect n lead life selflessly.

yesterday night i was chatting to someone.. and she told me she is dating some one.. the reason she gave was like.. she wanted to give love a try.. to feel.. what is all about.. and i was shocked.. how can any one give love a try..? for me.. "it" just happens..!! Then i thought.. wasn't i also "trying"..??

but.. then i scanned all my 5 years.. what i went through.. what i felt each day.. how i came up in the worst situations.. and standing tall today. i have no doubts about what i felt.. every day when she met me.. when she sat beside me.. when she looked at me.. i repeatedly said her one thing only.. i love you.. though.. it was only in my heart.. but i believed.. language of heart is told by eyes and understood by heart only. i always thought she wud hear what echoes for her when every moment she is wid me.. but that never happened.

i realized.. it was only my expectations.. that gave me all these pains.. she might have taken me as a friend only.. she wud hv never expected me to say such things to her. i was a helping hand for her.. and she cant deny this.. i was once her nicest of friends.. she cant deny this also..

but then.. what about that friendship day..?? what about our first evening..?? what about my first rose that i gave you..? what was that lonely talks that we did..?? what about all those b'day cards with one letter enclosed in it..? what about all those question that you asked me one evening.. that still ring in my ears..??

all were EXPECTATIONS... some form ur side.. and some from my corner.. but questions still reamins the same.. i hope u can answer this some day.. were we FRIENDS..?? only friends..?

words of silence...

well met her today.. 1 hour was indeed there.. but what existed between us were words of silence.. i went to her home wid bimosh.. we are great old pals.. n were alws a good group..

ok.. as i said.. i met her earlier.. when she came at my place.. so todays time i think was most of my frnd's. i had no complaints.. cuz i dint wanted this time to b spent in staring each other wid no conversation... i was happy.. happy to be wid her.. n i dont care what others feel..!! she was continuously saying.. "talko mujhse..(talk wid me)".. "tum log bade gande ho..(u guys are too bad..)" and "main achhi bacchi hun..(i m a gud girl)"..

yes P.S. u are no doubt a gud girl.. the best one i've known.. your poise.. ur gratitude.. u r such a woman.. i know any man wud fall for.. n that's d reason.. i still keep falling..!! had no other way to go.. other than urs.. no one looked beautiful.. after seeing u.. no one i thought i cud die for.. except u.. may be.. for u i m no one.. but for me.. u r d reason.. i breathe.. u r d reason.. i aspire to live.. i think of success.. so that.. 1 day.. 1 day.. i can proudly ask u to b mine...

today was no day to say what i felt.. i hv no ground of my own to stand.. but 1 day.. without expecting anything.. i will ask u to b mine.. i loved u every second of my life.. i m very much sure.. u read my eyes today.. n still showed ur cold reactions.. but one day.. the sun will brightly enter into ur life.. n wipe all the coldness between me n u.. that warmth will rejuvenate between us..

i was silent today.. but the words u heard in that silence of mine.. are true..

i will always love u.. n never forget the moments we spent together...

...the joke got more severe....

today i felt.. past is not just past..!! it is rather a part of you.. cuz u existed in ur past.. there happened something.. which u thought n decided.. should now b a past.. but.. what happens when it returns to you.. what you do..?? take it as past..? or the second chance that god gives you..??

i m an atheist.. stopped believing in him.. after the incident i wrote in my last post.. so now.. he is playing games wid me.. to show me his existence.. OK.. YOU won..!.. but still i believe.. u never ease any one's life.. n test them whenver u get a chance.. cruel hearted.. n stoned .. u dont like sum 1 who is happy.. so u put jolts one after another in his life.. n u doing this wid me since 5 yrs.. i hate you now.. either take my life.. or let me live the way i want to live..!! plzz..!!

well.. she came yesterday... ya she is SHE only.. ya ya.. i know u guessed it right.. that chemistry girl..
she came yesterday.. i was trying to take a nap then.. in the evening.. when mom came n tried to wake me up.. i thought i hv entered into a horrible dream.. so i tightly closed m eyes.. n tried to avoid her words.. that i thought she was saying in my dream.. but.. it was ture..!! she really was there.. n to my astonishment.. she was endearing a lovely friendly smile.. that alws made me faint(almost every time).. wid her was her frnd also who accompanied her to see who i was..

she was there for 73 minutes i think.. n in those few minutes.. i hardly spoke anything.. i was seeing her after 4 yrs.. i preferred looking to those eyes. n was pleased to see that shine till now.
conversation started lightly.. she was inspecting my room.. old paintings were still on walls.. old painter still gazed at her they way he did 5 yrs ago.. new thing she found was my guitar.. i played a song for her.. that i knew best.. n then we turned to sum serius talks.. i asked n she answered.. she is single again.. n happy being that..! my hopes took birth n died instantly within a second..

few things i dint knew came forward.. 1 day.. on my b-day.. 2 yrs back.. i kinda proposed her on radio.. taking her name.. address.. profession n all.. n she got that mssg... for me radio was just a mean of giving it all out what i had in my heart for 3 yrs.. i cudnt keep that in my heart.. so vomited it out.. never knew she wud get that.. HE played game here too..!..

now when she came.. the moment i alws longed for.. did came.. but privacy.. was a thing that was missing.. for 2 minutes i needed no one around us.. so that.. cud say her how much i love her.. alas.. i was shattered inside.. the broken pieces had no sound.. but it crashed hard.. i asked her for 1 hour.. from the three days she is still here.. so that i cud express it for once n all.

i wanna say her..

" i love you..

more than any other person that i hv known after knowing you.. i cant live without you.. i hv no problems wid ur past.. but i want ur present n future wid me.. i see u in my every plannings.. every moment.. only i knw.. how i hv survived in past 4 yrs..

i will try my best to give all the happiness that exist in this universe.. i wont ever bring a tear out of sadness in ur eyes.. i will take care of u more than anything u can think of.. i wont leave ur hand forever if you give it in my hands.. i wud die if you wont b there in my life.. although my body wud move.. but soul wud disappear if u say "no".. u know all this.. i know u see everything in my eyes.. u hear my all unsaid messages.. but the bottom line is..

i love you.. be mine..!"

NOW u wud b thinking what a loser i m.. yes u r right.. cuz when HE won.. i had to loose..! i cant survive widout her.. she has that force in her that captivate my thoughts.. that alws move me towards her.. i tried not to b like this .. but her visit has revoked everything again.. rekindled the memories.. of past.. she is b'ful.. i can see her... but cant touch her.. cant feel her.. she has alws been mine in my heart. in my thoughts.. who existed was only she..

people.. this time.. life realyy played a joke with me.. and a severe one.. i hv no reason to smile.. u can smile if u want.. cuz HIS jokes are alwz the greatest...

my life.. a joke..

i believed that 2004 was the best year of my life.. i passed hopelessly in my 12th. got admission into a decent college.. n like every other boy.. like an obedient son.. i took my steps in order to convert my parents dream of being an engineer..!

well.. being from a small place has its own advantages and disadvantages.. Rourkela.. probably the best city of Orissa.. of a developing country INDIA.. is where i belong too. got friends.. that i know will accompany me forever. had a lot of crushes.. on the beauties.. that still makes a mark all over orissa. Rourkela is great in its own ways. but..

... this is place where the study is a part of bussiness.. coaching institutes.. n promises of placing students into IITs n NITs..* (* conditions applies that student must b sincere n studious n hard working n intelligent enuff to place himself in an esteemed institute). i was like one of their customers to whom they provided service for an annual cost. anyways.. i landed in a private college.. forget IITs n NITs.. even state govt. colleges turned out to b like a next life's job to me..!

as i told previously.. i loathed chemistry.. but was loving that time.. specially.. when she started to come.. later on.. all classes were common between us. we improved from just staring n gazing to each other. now when i look back at that time.. i realize.. i was in love..!

came 2004.. n we were all celebrating. 1st of Jan.. hangout wid frnz. but whole day a thought was pinching my nerves.. what the hell i m missing..??.. y i cant actually gel into the conversation we friends were having.. whom my eyes are searching for..?? i reached home.. n went straight away under my warm cozy blanket.. n decided something.. n cursed myself coz' that i shud have done earlier.

next day in the morning of.. 2nd of jan.. 2004.. i knew exactly what i needed to do.. wanted to do.. have to do.. yes.. i had to confess my feeling for her to her.. or else.. i knew.. i wont last for long. i called her to ensure if she wud b at home. with all arrangements.. i went to her home.. i kept a red rose in the inner pocket of my jacket. we talked for some time .... n then i asked her.. whether she has anyone spcl in her life..?

she glanced at me from the corner of her eyes. her head bent down.. she smiled.. n asked me.. "do i really hv to answer this..??".. i had to say "yes.!" .. my voice changed totally in a split of a second. i was sounding nervous.. there arose so much silence for a minute.. i m sure she cud have easily heard my heartbeat.. GOD only knows what was she thinking.. and then she said "YES".. looking staight into my eyes. for a moment i thought it wud b the best day of my life today.. but she continued.. like.. "yes.. but y u asking such qn today..? is everything fine..??"

last thing i remember.. i was saying with breaking voice .. hisses n whispers coming out instead of loud n clear words...." please forget whatever i said just a minute ago.. although it was all truth.. but i never wanted to create this mess into ur life.. ".. n started walking.. but remembered something.. so i turned back to her.. she was staring at me.. shocked of what i just said to her.. n wondering.. whats next..

but the work has to b done.. wiping tears with the sleeves, trying to represent myself O.K. .. as if i m not shattered by her decision.. i gathered all my strength.. i was trembling.. my knees shaking.. i moved towards her.. trying to bring a smile on my teary wet face.. i finally took out the day's present.. . i gave her that rose.. and said.. "happy new year".. she knew.. this wasn't a happy new yr rose.. its purpose was different..

ok.. keep on laughing.. i know.. my life is a big joke.. at least u r smiling.. its gud.. sum one is happy..

2004 wasn't the best yr of my life..

first gaze of love

ah.. what to say..how it feels to be 17 and falling in love again..?? amazing i believe.. but this is not what i m trying to make you do.

i wud like to let all know.. what was i going thru when i saw her for the first time.. in the adolescence of age when people think of building and shaping future.. i was planning of making my future.. with a girl.. whom i saw for the first time..

it was an evening.. when me and Pandey were speeding on my bike to reach for tuitions.. although i hated that place cuz it was all chemistry.. but i sum how liked that time.. wid frnzz. staying at home was like a punishment for me at that time. i m sorry dad.. if u r reading this..

well.. as i reached there.. i saw 2 girls staring at us .. as if we were aliens to them.. may be because of our rash wheeling.. but.. there was no need of a stare like that.. n young blood in me.. provoked me to stare at them straight.. eyes meet eyes.. i preferred staring at the one.. who had bigger eyes.. who wore a white salwaar suit.. white bangles made of glass.. with silver ear-rings.

eyes met eyes.. i preferred to look into the eyes.. that felt.. Kajal is necessary.. making them one of the most beautiful sets of anything.. that i had seen in my lifetime.. what joy, sympathy, calmness, and friendly curiosity they radiated.. i instantly fall in love wid those eyes.. not even looking at the face.. that gaze lasted for more than a lifetime i believed.. that was later accounted to 2 minutes by Pandey. i could have looked at them for an hour, week, month.. year.. decade.. doing nothing.. n just looking at her eyes..

i was shocked..!! how cud one be so b'ful..?? then i realized.. eyes are the mirror of what u actually are beneath urself.. whoever said it.. was a true genius.. in the crowd of zillions.. i can challenge.. that one look of that eyes.. was enuff for me to recognize her.. cuz the shine in them.. the spark.. that ignited the lamp of luv inside my heart.. i can never forget..!! that scene can never vanish from my tiny brain..

that gaze... it was the first gaze of love..!!

P.S.* :- i still luv u..! (* P.S. is the short form of her name ;) .. i hope she realizes this some day..)